There is something that has been itching at me the last couple of days. I feel like I have talked about this subject on the surface, but never gone in depth. I have been feeling the need to put these feelings into words. Maybe someone has advice? Maybe someone is going through the exact same thing? Maybe somehow I'm encouraging someone else to do what I seem unable to? I don't know these things, but I do know that I want to write about this.
FEAR.
I can remember a conversation I had with my mom once. I have no idea why we were having this conversation or how old I was, it's not important. What I remember her telling me was that I always had this huge fear of failure. It was so bad that if I thought there was even the slightest chance I would fail, I wouldn't even try. In some ways, I feel like I have overcome that.
However, there are other times, like now, where I feel like that frightened and anxiety-stricken third grader all over again. I feel like I have met my goals educationally, I feel like I have met my goals personally, and I am always striving to have higher goals spiritually. But reaching career goals is something I really have yet to attain. Only this time, the military lifestyle and bad economy is no excuse.
I know what my strengths are. I know what my areas for improvement are. I know what makes me happy. I know what I am good at. I am still so glad that I decided to get a masters in counseling. I really do feel that was the right choice for me. The world is my oyster. There are a variety of things that I could do and I should enjoy experimenting with them to see which best suits me. I honestly feel I would be really good at being a counselor and/or working with kids. Whether it be a licensed counselor, school counselor, or even a teacher.
Except, I have this overwhelming fear. Of all of it! I try to live by the saying "Your greatest potential is often straight through your greatest fear." At the same time, third grader me is still whispering "But you could fail! Like totally suck! How embarrassing! Why even try?!" Just writing this out is almost bringing me to tears. I do have so much potential. How can I expect anyone to give me a chance if I'm not willing to give it to myself?
I'm not asking for answers to questions. I'm not really even asking for encouragement (although I wouldn't turn either of them down). But maybe if I write this down for others to see, that will be a way of holding myself accountable. So, when we do find out where our permanent duty station is, there will be no excuses. I will dive right in (feet first of course, wouldn't want to bonk my head ;)). I will try, I will be resourceful, and I will succeed.
Well, I wrote it. I don't quite believe it yet. Maybe soon.
