I think I am starting to understand myself a little more. I've found that if something is keeping me from falling asleep at night, then I probably need to blog about it.
Do you ever have those days (or weeks) where it just seems that when it rains, it pours? That's how I have been feeling lately. I have been crying a lot. I have been crying so much I am reminiscent of going through a bad breakup or spilling nacho cheese all over the crotch of my white pants (true story). It sucks. I hate knowing that I have spent all day crying and being pathetic. I haven't had a day like that in a long time. I'm not enjoying it.
I have never been the best at anything. There seems to have always been something or someone better than me. I have never been super smart, super athletic, super attractive, whatever. That's fine. I have accomplished many things in my life and am proud of the person I have become. However, when it feels like life is just raining on your parade over and over and over, one has the tendency to loathe the fact that the only thing she's really good at is being nice.
Relationships are what fuel my passion for life. My relationship with my husband, friends, family, colleagues, etc. are what makes me happy. The last few years, I have made it a point to put a lot of effort into becoming the best person (and consequently friend/companion) that I can be. It is important to me that I make my relationships with others a high priority.
And that is where the "when it rains it pours" analogy comes into play. I have come to the realization that I just don't come first for anybody right now. And that's a painful realization. I get interviewed for jobs, but I'm not the first choice. I have been feeling more like a burden than anything else to my friends and family. And as sweet as it is for Justin to tell me I will always be his first pick, the truth of the matter is I can't be right now. The navy has to come first. The only being that chooses me first is my dog and even then, a good scent would beat me out any day. Right now, there is always something or someone more important than me. All of this has made me feel very empty. I need something to define me and I just don't know what that is anymore.
Some may find this juvenile. Naive. Maybe even dumb? But is it so awful to desire to come first for something? I guess what I want to know is that I am not alone in this. It's terrible to feel that you are not as important to someone as they are to you. Or that I get this job (hypothetically) just because their first pick didn't want it. Have you ever felt this way? If you have, I am completely open to advice or words of wisdom.
